Along with my wallet-fattening collection of business cards, I’m starting to collect some email addresses from our doctors. It is kind of weird to have such easy access to such important people, and I get a little squirrelly at times. Becuase I’m tempted to write an email that uses all of the cool lingo I’ve learned while watching TV.
An Open Letter to a Doctor: (or, Everything I Learned, I Got from Watching ‘ER’)
We’ve got a GSW to the chest! C’mon, let’s move, people! Let’s run a tox screen, a CBC with lytes, a chem 7, and a UA panel! STAT!
It’s car vs. bus, so let’s get exam 4 ready, and let’s roll, people! Hang a banana bag, and let’s type and cross for 5 and contact next-of-kin! STAT!
Non compis mentis! AMA! COL! Send Mrs. Johnson to the waiting room, and call security! STAT!
Check for ID, page Urology, and let’s get a Surgical Consult, STAT!
Emesis basin! EKG! Charging, to 300 joules! Charging! Clear! Check for vitals, STAT!
Suture kit! Scalpel! Cut-down tray, and a 7 French! C’mon, let’s move, people! STAT!
Psych consult! Haldol! Get the nebulizer! Larengizscope! Intubation kit! Visualize the cords! STAT!
Crack his chest! CPR! Internal compressions! STAT!
What have we got here, people?! Somebody give me the bullet! Peritaneal lavage! STAT!