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Undercover Couple, Week 12

April 3, 2006


The finish line has been crossed, and our cover is intact, thank you very much. In the closest call to date, Mr. Perineum started asking about the wife’s job. Is it fairly active, or is it more sedentary? “Well, it is usually pretty active, but they’ve been gracious and given her more desk work lately, plus really short shifts.” Then, I used a Jedi mind trick to distract him so that he wouldn’t ask the next obvious question: what is it that she does? Victory!!

Our final class meeting was with the morning class, along with several alumni and their little babies, who told their birth stories. Well, it was mostly the parents who talked, rather than the kiddies. Two C-sections, and two totally natural births. And plenty of doctor-bashing. Did you know that doctors are people? Unacceptable!

The meeting took place at our teacher’s workplace, in a swanky, high-tech conference room of a software developer in Rosslyn. It was a very long room with lots of posh chairs and a conference table only slightly smaller than Alan Greenspan’s. Plus a killer video setup and surround sound. All of which came in handy for the night’s special feature of an exciting cutting-edge video genre: Homemade Birth Film.

Which might have been titled, “Fifty Ways to Scream Your Lungs Out”. The cringey closeups, the blood-curdling, high-pitched wails, the gallons of fluid gushing out, the bulging eyeballs, were all there on the ten-foot screen. Harrowing, if I do say so. First, I felt faint, then I nearly threw up, and then I just cried at the sight of the baby.

The size and scale and sheer volume was a force to be reckoned with. Giant eight-foot labia!! Firm digital pressure on the perineum!! Irritating commentary from grandma!! The screams were so loud and long that our poor children started a little riot in utero, and I had to muffle the sound and talk them through it. Even the wife, who’s seen a vagina or two (thousand) was a little taken aback. Which is to say, she was leaning way, way back in her chair.

But in the end, full of excellent food from an old favorite Chinese restaurant and lots of hopeful goodbyes, I got all nostalgic and sappy. Time to pack the bags (and remember to bring lots of towels)!

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6 Responses to “Undercover Couple, Week 12”

  1. Liz says:

    All I can think about is my project… I’m going to make a horror movie called “Attack of the Eight Foot Labia.” It will be highly influenced by Woody Allen’s “Everything You Wanted to Know about Sex but were Afraid to Ask” and “Attack of the Killer Tomatoes”

    It just goes to show, you never know where you will get inspiration.

  2. Anonymous says:

    Are you guys at 32 weeks? Mike and Stacy, it seems like two days ago I was praying for 12 then 20, then 25 weeks. Stacy, you MUST be outed at the Bradley classes before it’s all over! Someone there might need the “professional” encouragement.
    :)
    Shonda Caines

  3. Anonymous says:

    Mike,
    At least you just FELT faint. When I was in nursing school (early 1970′s) we were watching a BLACK & WHITE movie of a vaginal birth. It was just before lunch (low blood sugar/full bladder) and I was out cold! I hope that your instructor had everyone go to the bathroom first because when that muscle relaxes, it ain’t pretty!!! I’ve been meaning to ask Dee how things are going for you guys and decided to check here…

  4. Dottie says:

    I’m with Liz on the whole 8-ft-labia project. Liz, I saw a giant womb with a full grown, fully clothed man in it in the movie Tristram Shandy. I’m thinking they’re bound to put it up on ebay pretty soon.

  5. kate says:

    Stacy will so not be a screamer. She’ll probably be calmer than the nurses.
    So you never did see the guy with the “junk” and the Spandex, eh? Either Matt’s super-sensitive, or our instructor just showed us a special one, I guess.

  6. sonja says:

    Hilarious … just hilarious.

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