Justice was served this week as the ‘coaches’ received head and neck massages at the end of class. That’s right, wifey, work out all of the tensions and pains in my neck that you put there… Although with the massage jammed into the last three minutes of our time, I actually hyperventilated at the deep breathing portion of the exercise.
Disinformation was served as well, as a Lay Midwife (i.e., her credentials are limited to home birth, and she dismissed such conventions as malpractice insurance with a wave of her water bottle) joined us to stir some fear into the pot. Watch out for doctors (think big men in black cowboy hats and masks) and nurses (think Nurse Rachet) who will pump you full of drugs and steal your baby. Instead, let me give you plants and natural remedies (hey, where do you think drugs and hormones come from, sister?) to take care of everything. It got so deep in there that it started to really stink.
But the most interesting part, as always, came in our attempted obfuscation of our true identity. Which, for my part, means trying not to act like so much of a smartass. But the wife needs a bit more work. On the ride over, she asked for a little pinch if she stepped over the line. Let’s just say that would have left her black and blue, and note a few obvious errors.
Asking overly detailed questions. Question: “…is that 32 days from conception, or last menstrual period?” Umm, why is that important?
Answering the wrong question. Question: “…what kind of twins are you having?” Answer: “Oh, they’re di/di!”. What? Just tell her that one’s a boy, and the other is a girl!
Using overly specific terminology. (as above) “The woman in the video didn’t have much excess tissue.” Why not just say she was very skinny? Or that she didn’t have much fat? Or, “at what gestation could we expect to experience Braxton-Hicks?” Gestation?!? Who talks like that? Just say, ‘how far along?’!
All of which were intended, of course, to throw people off our trail. But it seems that the genius of the wife is too large to be kept under wraps.