Good writing, with a strong point and with life oozing out.

This Could Get Messy

January 19, 2006

One of the reasons I’ve enjoyed this whole blog thing is that it creates a kind of record of my experiences and feelings. Which has been a bit embarassing the past few days as I’ve reread posts about the twins and seen the denial and wishful thinking therein, which will likely end tomorrow. So I’m hesitant to write more and invite more future embarassment. On the other hand, I get really panicky when the time comes when all of my to-do’s are crossed off and I stare Yet Another Medical Appointment I’d Rather Avoid straight in the eye, so writing seems like a nice procrastination.

It’s been a crazy couple of days. I’ve cried a lot, and felt empty, and wept for my children, and cried out to God, and done drywall, and picked up sticks in the yard. I taught my course for four hours, and then felt the blood rush back into this new and painful part of my life. I go to sleep sad, and wake up happy. Until I remember. I guess they call that ‘shock’.

‘Bargaining’, too. Maybe the results are a mistake, or maybe some miracle has happened, or maybe it’s only these three anomalies, and nothing further. Maybe I’m dreaming this, or I’m making it up. When people say “everything will be alright,” I desperately want to believe them.

Oh, and ‘anger’. I haven’t had my big blast yet (though I’m sure it’s coming…), but I’ve felt some stirrings. I was parking the car in the driveway, and just as I slid the truckster into ‘Park’, my brain started reeling. It spun through my whole mental Rolodex of Everyone I Know, trying to find a someone who could fix this. Or maybe someone who knew someone who could make it all better. And the damned thing kept spinning, because no one can fix this. God can, and he could. He might have already. Or he could have kept it from happening, I suppose. I don’t want to be mad at God, but who else can I be mad at? He’s the only one who can fix it. And I thought, man, it really stinks to be God. You get blamed for everything when you’re God. It hardly seems fair.

One thing I know: it is great comfort to not feel alone. To know that there are people around me (in proximity, or in prayer, and always in solidarity) to share the load. People who seem to love these kids as much as I do.

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11 Responses to “This Could Get Messy”

  1. Ross says:

    Thanks for opening your life to us Mike…I’ve written and deleted this sentence 10 times now, and still all my words seem cold and hard. Do know that we’re with you in every possible way and that you’re not alone in this. I can’t imagine what you’re going through.

  2. Maggie says:

    There are a lot of people who love you guys and there are many, many earnest, heartfelt prayers being said for this child.

  3. Julie says:

    I have no words of encouragement or strength for you guys in this moment, but I will get on my knees with the hope that the Holy Spirit will provide.

  4. Mike Croghan says:

    Yeah, what they said. If all I can do to help is pray, I’m doing it. If there’s anything else Tina and I can do, ever, just say the word, man.

  5. sparksfly says:

    When I shared your little boy’s need with two friends that have endured something similar; they wept with me and then offered so much encouragement. I wish I would have recorded it for you, but what I left with and heard over and over again….was their utter amazement of how the Spirit sustained them. They both testified to the fact that they had never experienced this sort of “awakening (interesting chose of words in this case)” I asked how we could help from so far away and they said sharing the burden of prayer might be all we can do. We are content and committed to that assignment. We love you four so much. May the Holy Spirt shock you today and may you see God’s promises as a fortrace around you and your precious family.

  6. Greta Davies says:

    So, I’m sitting here weeping, thinking “Why can’t something just go right for the Stavs. It’s so unfair!!!” And if I’m thinking that sitting across an ocean, then I can’t imagine what you’re thinking and feeling. I love you guys and wish I could make it better. And I’m praying, along with everyone else, for a miracle.

  7. Liz says:

    Mike and Stacy, I (we) do love those little babies as much you. We love you both, too. My heart breaks for you, but I keep praying. Remember, I’m just down the street, so please, please call me if I can do anything.

  8. Anonymous says:

    Mike and Stacy, my heart feels heavy and I have to admit that I’m asking some of the same questions of God that Mike wrote about. I beg of Him to reach out His hand in mercy. I’m praying right now for all four of you. Let us know if you need anything at all. LMK

  9. WMS says:

    yes. yes. to all of this love. Love you guys.

  10. randy buist says:

    We hold the twins and both of you in our hopes and prayers!!! We send internet hugs, and we pray for good news as well!

    While we care a GREAT deal, mom and dad always care more than even the best of friends. These are your kids!

    With much love from the Buist family!!!

  11. Ryan says:

    I read your blogs and I cry along with you. We love you guys.

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