Good writing, with a strong point and with life oozing out.

The Mess in My Head

June 1, 2005

“Wah wah wah, wawa wa wahwa wa wow.”

That’s what I heard today as I sat in a spinning doctor’s office. Words flew by me as my wife and I met with our infertility doc and considered the possibility of In-Vitro Fertilization. We’ve just completed six cycles of Intra-Uterine Insemination, which didn’t result in any pregnancy of any kind.

It was a very surreal experience, where I kept asking myself, “am I really here?”, and then repeatedly assured myself that I was. I didn’t know what to think. Honestly, I still don’t know what I think. In fact, I told the doc that I’d need about a day to get to a point where I could start thinking about this.

So there I sat, mentally racing from one extreme to the other. “I really want to become a parent.” “But it might cost you 40K.” “How can you even think about money when it comes to this?” “How can I not?” “It would be a relief to not have to raise a child (especially beginning at 35!).” “But I can’t imagine not leaving some progeny.” “When does life begin, and who am I to mess with that?” “For how long, and how aggressively, should we continue to push against this thing?” “Should we try to adopt?” “Should we just enjoy our freedom?”

Tons of angst, and mountains of guilt.

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One Response to “The Mess in My Head”

  1. Anonymous says:

    I can only imagine what a struggle this must be for you guys, and I’m sorry you have to go through it. I’m at such a different stage in my life that I can’t really picture what it must be like. Have you journaled (in a non-bloggy kinda way) about it? That sometimes helps me quiet the mess in my head.


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