Good writing, with a strong point and with life oozing out.

A tranny, a doobie, and a snack

June 8, 2005

I walked into the hardware aisle at the Home Depot and approached the lady stocking the shelves with drywall anchors.

“Do you know where I could find the biscuits?” I asked tentatively.

“Say what?” she smiled.

Nervous she would think I was talking about her, I made the go-to joke about the bread product and stammered out a comment about little pieces of wood used to make a joint. She was as friendly as she was clueless, so I tried to change the subject. “How about shims?,” I offered.

“I never heard of that, neither! But I guess I’m gonna learn–let’s go”. Off we went, gathering a little clutch of interested would-be helpers as we searched for these two mysterious items.

Shims, I explained, are wedges of wood used to fill in empty spaces. Biscuits were a little more tricky. Stuck for euphemisms, I settled on describing a biscuit joiner, which cuts a slot for the aforementioned disk of wood. She listened attentively.

“Yo!!,” she shouted to an associate three aisles away, “we need a biscuit joint!”

Umm, not exactly. I didn’t want to get in trouble here.

After we happened upon some wooden wedges, she pointed out a helpful bit of information from her side of the divide. “Shims are guys who dress up to look like women,” she offered. “You know, she, and himshim.”

Right. Good. Good to know. I guess I’d better be careful who and where I ask for shims.

Well. I accidentally ran into the buscuits a few minutes later, and made a hasty exit. I’ve never been so pleased– or so relieved– to find what I was looking for.

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